12.22.04 Toothpaste Manifesto

You know what pisses me off? Toothpaste. I have come to realize that perhaps toothpaste is a reason that many people grow old alone and have many cats.

See here’s the thing. Toothpaste is messy. I’m not even going to lie about that. It comes in a tube, which you then squeeze. There is a bit of a science to the squeezing of toothpaste. Apply too much pressure, and it’s all over your hand like some premature-dental-hygiene-related-ejaculation. Then, before you can even brush, you need to clean all of the crap off of your hand- which needs to happen with soap and water, because if you TRY to do it with toilet paper, said paper will stick to your hand, making a strange, minty papier-mâché mixture on your person.

Conversely, if you don’t apply enough pressure, the toothpaste pulls a little prairie dog action on you: in and out, before you can even get your pea-sized amount on the brush. You could play this game indefinitely if you don’t figure out the proper pressure, and perhaps even pass into getting it on your hand. ‘Nuff said.

So, let’s say you’re an old pro by now, you know just what kind of pressure to apply to your paste. Me…I’ve got to squeeze ONLY from the bottom. There is nothing more annoying to me than a large, tell-tale thumbprint in the middle of my toothpaste tube.
I came to this conclusion over the summer, when my family ran out of toothpaste & I kindly loaned mine to the cause of dental well being. My mother, the fiend that she is, wrongly pushed the toothpaste of the middle of the tube, more than once. Not only that, she is apparently an oversqueezer, and left telltale minty debris over the top of the tube!
In conclusion, I clearly need to meet someone who is like-minded, otherwise I will life a life of constant annoyance, for about 6 minutes in the bathroom each day.

I challenge you to look up anal retentive in the dictionary. I guarantee you my face will be there.